


if you’re not the one (then you’re not)

by hongpikachu



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Songfic, just so much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 13:40:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10492101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongpikachu/pseuds/hongpikachu
Summary: it takes a lot of pain for someone to realize that what isn't meant to be will not bealternately, "i like you but i don't know how to say it" "me too"





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gyuhao (nautics)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nautics/gifts).



> song: IU - Voicemail
> 
> there's always something about IU's songs that just gets me to write a fic yknow

_Maybe I hoped that it wouldn’t work out  
_ _Starting from a few days ago, this heart pounding is torturing me day and night  
_ _Because of you, I didn’t get a single wink of sleep last night_

  
The sight of the ceiling was unfamiliar to Minghao. He blames it on the separation anxiety, or probably the jetlag of his, what, one hour or something less flight back home. And though he knows he’s had longer flights, the kind that messes up with your body clock, this one particular flight back home probably seems to be the most taxing on him. The night definitely wasn’t young in those hours, but dawn was, and the silence was so loud he could hear his thoughts practically screaming at him.

  
Maybe he did wish for it to happen, for everyone to get fed up with his random bursts of violence and sometimes lack of control in his temper and impulse. He did predict that one day it would boil to this. People get tired of understanding one another at some point, lucky if they stuck around for ten years trying to deal with someone punching a wall in the practice room everytime he would get stressed.

Minghao was lucky to have the twelve brothers he never had.

  
\--

  
“It’s for the best.”

  
He repeats to himself once more when he scrolls across an article about his departure. There, in big bold letters, the announcement of a phenomenal boy group who built up their career since day one, now missing one member.

Although the world viewed them as a group of guys who practice and make songs and dance moves for a living, he looked at them instead as a family who performed. But there is no such thing as a perfect family and he knew it well. They had issues. Plenty of them. But they each tried to adjust, reform, and make way to accommodate each and everyone’s imperfections.

Minghao hopes he’s seen it that way since the beginning instead of being too much of a brooder who tries to read everything between the lines.

But reality came crashing on him once again when he finds himself scrolling his Kakaotalk. He doesn’t know if he still expects their group chat to have a new message or something, of anyone asking how they’ve been or what their day has been like. But it has been four years and he still decides to scroll past the probably twelve thousand or so messages and pretends that the group chat has never existed.

He scrolls past down and comes across the group chat he had with other idols his age. This happened when he was about 19 years old or so, over just a year in the entertainment industry, and he got to befriend idols with bigger names out there like Bangtan Boys’ Jeon Jungkook and GOT7’s Bambam. The memory of their late night bowling or arcade hangouts made him smile just a little.

Just a little.

Further down the scrolling, he comes across a message that he left unopened. The name was obvious with big bold letters, an indication that it has yet to be touched and discovered. The date indicated that the message has been four years old exactly today. For four years he kept that message unopened for heaven knows whatever reason he already forgot.

“Happy birthday.” He utters with his now improved Korean, never really seeing the point as digital messages are lifeless. But he does it anyway, as if it was a ritual to do so before tapping on it. Four years ago and he might have been the happiest, but he knows that four years ago he was pessimistically foolish. Maybe he really did wish for things to end up like this.  


**Kim Mingyu**  
00:36  
  
“I love you.”

 

 _Sorry, you probably felt it too_  
_If me being around you, clumsily trying to hide it, bothered you_  
 _Then I apologize_

When the times got tough, not just for him but for the rest of the members, they could always count on Kim Mingyu to help them. He was practically good at almost anything, and if he still looks glorious with his hair sticking in different directions with some dried up drool just at the corner of his lip after he’s heavily asleep, then it would be no wonder for anyone to fall in love with him.

 

Minghao wasn’t an exception.

 

At first it wasn’t that hard to ignore Kim Mingyu’s presence. He was thrown in a room full of prepubescent boys in which most would have yet to earn their growth spurt, or in the process of it. However, Mingyu was already blessed with long legs, limbs, and body that seemed to just fit perfectly right. As if that wasn’t enough, he can already memorize the way that his laugh sounds, and even picture it in his head at some times. No, he wasn’t infatuated at all during the first sight. His heartbeat didn’t have an increased rate and his palms never felt clammy when he first saw Mingyu. He was just a boy out of the other tens in the room. A really tall boy. But maybe he was the least bit fascinated.

The problem started when he has grown attached, not just to one, but to everyone in the group. It was evident in the way he was getting a bit braver, day by day, with his actions towards them. Be it the simple gesture of bringing someone a towel, or fixing their hair, or to the extent of giving a hug, he knows he has never been short on affection.

But he noticed that with Mingyu, it was way too different. Sure, he can hug the others or pat them on the back without much hesitation. But when it came to the tall boy with obvious canines, he would bicker with just about anything and everything. There are times when they get along well, especially when Mingyu with the big heart helps in teaching him the pronunciation of some Korean words, or giving each other advice in writing lyrics for the rap parts of songs, but all those happen with Mingyu initiating or approaching him first. And he was the one to initiate the bickers and arguments, to which would often end up in two ways: laughter or silence.

He recalls one time when he and Mingyu hadn’t spoken to each other for three days. And after those three agonizing days, Seungcheol finally decides to lock them up in one of the bedrooms and not let them out unless they have reconciled.

 

“Why do you hate me so much?”

 

The way Mingyu sounded so broken caused Minghao to soften. Not once did he ever think he fought with the former out of spite. But then it dawned on him as to why he actually did start fights and arguments, sometimes even to the point of a fistfight. He knows there are some feelings that aren’t expressed so easily, not even with mere words or gentle gestures. And he hates himself for not being able to tell him perfectly well how important Kim fucking Mingyu is in his life without actually being vulnerable and hurt afterwards.

 

“I don’t hate you.”

 

He says almost too naturally that he cringes at the sound of his voice. The look of confusion on Mingyu’s face didn’t go unnoticed, and it was the cue for Minghao to take a deep breath. It wasn’t easy to come up with words that depict how you feel without leaving out the rest of your feelings that should be swept under the rug, especially with the heavy silence that nags at you to say it before the momentum and timing gets messed up. But Minghao does so anyway.

 

“You’re special to me. Really special. I don’t want to hurt you; I just don’t know how to say it. I’m Sorry.”

 

\--

After that, the bickers never stopped and the fights were still on a constant. But this time, there weren’t any hard feelings or awkward silences.

  
Minghao probably fell harder upon the realization that Mingyu understands.

_Actually, even now_   
_If I could, I want to keep denying it_   
_But honestly, don’t you have a little responsibility_   
_For making me so confused?_

 

If there was one trait that set him apart from the others, it was that he possesses a perfect mix of competitiveness and stubbornness. He does know when to step down, but when the situation calls for it, he tries to get everything to go his way. He takes pride in that somehow, although it often gets misunderstood by others. Deep down, his conscience tells him that he always means well.

 

“You’ve never had a relationship before? Ever?”

 

A fan asked him on a signing event one day, and the question thrown in so casually in the conversation probably has caught him off-guard. He passes it as a joke and flashes his oh so endearing smile that everyone has come to adore.

 

“He’s waiting for me to ask him out.”

 

Then he suddenly becomes aware of Mingyu’s presence. Of all the times he got asked that question, it had to be on the day the staff decides to have them seated beside each other, and he got mad at chance for a little while there but managed to cover it up with a hearty laugh. “You’re so full of yourself. You’re just gonna break up with me anyway.” The retaliation was taken as a joke, and it was meant to be one. However, his feelings were serious and he’s just glad that neither the fans nor Mingyu managed to catch how quickly the smile turned into a frown when he heard the other’s reply.

 

“I know.”

 

After their schedule for the day has ended, he decides to stay longer than usual in the practice room. That hasn’t become an issue to anyone in the group anymore, knowing very well that they agreed to go home whenever they’re almost at their limit so as to not jeopardize their performance for the next day. When he finds that the coast is clear and the last person left the room (Soonyoung was persistent enough to stay until he got tired as well), all he could do was lean against the cool surface of the mirror and cry.

 

The day after, he wants to get mad at Mingyu, to lash out at him for making him wonder as to how he feels. Of course he knows he shouldn’t expect much for a handful of reasons. One, they’re both guys. Two, they have a dating ban in the contract. Three, why would Mingyu like Minghao anyway? Four, if he does then they’re going to end in a break-up. So instead of throwing his bowl of cereal over the other (who’s smiling as if the sun shines out of his ass so early in the morning), he just scoots a little farther and tries not to make conversation for the rest of the day.

_Late at night, the phone vibrated_  
_And you woke me up with your low voice_  
 _Telling me to remember to eat breakfast_  
 _Your affectionate worries, did it really mean nothing?_

 

This wasn’t the first time that happened, so Minghao and Junhui were definitely not surprised to be with each other’s presence once more as the others headed off to another country. Something about unapproved visas and whatnot that caused them to head back to Seoul and stay in the dorms or practice. They let the day drag on by doing what they usually do on days when their days are off, improving themselves at a degree and resting up to prepare for their next leg of the tour.

 

It was dark and quiet except for the beeping voice that seemed to be in the same wavelength as his pounding headache. He has predicted for the rest of the members to call them somehow, but that happened hours ago. He wasn’t in his right state of mind at the moment, still clouded with drowsiness, but he picked up the call anyway.

 

The sound of the voice from the other line jolted him awake.

 

“Hello? Haohao?”

 

It was low, gruff, and hushed despite the addition of the little giggle after his nickname was uttered. Before he could speak, he hears the voice on the other line speak again and he thinks that his breath got stuck on his throat.

 

“Be sure to not skip breakfast today, alright? Good morning.”

 

Mingyu didn’t give a chance for Minghao to reply as he already ended the call, leaving the latter to a dumbfounded state as he stares at the ceiling. “Fuck.” He whispers to himself when he realizes that his palms are getting sweaty and his chest feels jolts of electricity circulating around it.

 

And deep down in his heart, he hates Kim Mingyu for every little thing he does all because it sets his heart on fire.

_Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious_   
_I don’t care if I’m just a remedy to your boredom_   
_I’ll just be like this for a little while and take care of things on my own_

 

The next few days, he tries to accept the fact that every little thing Kim Mingyu does to him that screams a display of affection is solely for the fact that one, they are in front of cameras; and two, that he just wanted someone to annoy that would react in a fun way. Of course, being the little hothead he is, it ends up in a petty argument that probably the rest of the members have gotten used to.

 

Before, they used to put Seungkwan or Seokmin to butt in the fight and try to stop them, but now they all watch in a corner and do their own thing or witness the little argument while laughing or making side comments of them not getting physical.

 

It wasn’t until when one night, after a long day of recording for their new song, that he decides to call Mingyu for a private talk. The said man was relieved for he had something to tell Minghao too.

 

“I lo—“  
“I’m leaving.”

 

Neither of them said a word after that, and Mingyu left the room without questions or objections. That was when Minghao decided to punch a wall, for he was stupid to think that Mingyu would stop him, or at least as him why he would depart from the group. The rest of the night was as blurry as his eyesight was with the tears.

 

He doesn’t remember how he got to the dorm, but if he looked hard enough, he could see a small wet patch on the surface of Mingyu’s pillow.

 

_The recorded time is already_   
_Just past two minutes and thirty seconds_   
_Actually, I don’t have anything else to say_   
_Since I’m just doing this without any plan_

 

He was at the airport and waited for his flight that was delayed. Seungcheol and the rest of the performance unit sent him off, with Chan and Soonyoung having a crying fest, while they were being consoled. He would have cried too, for the fact that he would miss them badly, but his heart told him that this is the finish line for him. He was the type of person who didn’t want to work when he knows that he’d be swayed easily by his feelings. And he is well aware of how powerful love is, so it’s either he tells Mingyu and move on, or distance himself with whatever it takes.

 

He prefers the latter.

 

When the other members have left to tend to their own schedules, he found the time to meditate. So he doesn’t know what came over him when he finds himself dialing Mingyu’s phone number, frowning when he was directed to the voicemail prompt. The thumb was close to pressing the end button when he heard the beep noise, indicating that from this point on, whatever he says will be recorded. _This is the perfect chance,_ he thinks, _you can grow a pair and tell him how you feel without the direct rejection._

 

02:30

 

It has been two minutes and thirty good seconds of silence while the voicemail is still recording. The words he wants to tell Mingyu were all a jumbled pile up his head, the most remarkable would be “I like you a lot,” “you are such an idiot,” “fuck you,” and “I know you know how I feel so stop treating my feelings as a joke”.

 

The resolve to give up on the silence and finally press the end call button was when he realized that what he would say now couldn’t change anything. Mingyu would know of his feelings, would try to stay in contact, and would still treat him as a joke even if he is a country or three away.

 

He doesn’t want to get hurt anymore, so he turns back and pretends that none of it happened.

 

Moments later, Mingyu receives the voicemail of approximately three minutes of silence aside from the hustle and bustle of the airport. If this was the sign that Minghao would feel the same as he does, then he wants to make a difference and complete his sentence that he couldn’t bear to say a few days ago. He knows it would be pathetic to send it through a text, but there was nothing else he could do, knowing that Minghao would be stubborn enough to not take his phone call.

 

So with the Kakaotalk app open, he hurriedly finds Minghao’s name in his contacts and sends three words; no hesitation and nothing less.

_“I love you.”_

_I’m so miserable till the end_  
Why am I so pathetic?  
It wasn’t supposed to be like this

 

When he arrives home, he embraces his family and had a meal with them. When the long hours of interrogation on the dining table were over, he was free to be excused and have his well-earned rest. But when the silence hits him, all he could do was hug on his pillow and cry. Minghao knows deep down that even if he couldn’t show them well, he has a lot of emotions that bubble up in his heart.

 

Selfishness is what he calls this, to escape from his own turmoil while affecting not just the members, but the fans that were rooting for him as well. However, he couldn’t turn back on his word now, knowing that whatever feelings he has for Mingyu would affect the image of Seventeen in the long run. Or so he rationalizes.

 

Never in his dreams did he imagine to be falling in love with someone of the same group while having a career in the industry. He wanted to perform to the world, make new friends, have new experiences, share his passion, and live a satisfying life in the end. But when you’ll be in the same group as Kim Mingyu, he wonders if he could even resist falling for his charms.

 

Without wanting to pity himself for the entire situation, he blames the entire thing to fate.

 

_I will always be waiting for a response  
But if I’m not the one, if I’m not the one_

 

Since he left, he’s waited to see if Mingyu would have a reaction to his voicemail, but all he finds are messages from the members in their group chat talking about their day with a new bunch of inside jokes. For the first few weeks, he managed to ride along and respond, but as time went by, he couldn’t catch up to their jokes, topics, and everything else, so he never bothered to open it again and just let the messages pile.

 

Some messages were from his friends, trying to get him out of his room probably to ask more questions about his sudden decision, but he doesn’t mind. Before he knew it, he was back in the underground b-boy industry, doing what he does best.

All of that was four years ago, and now here he is with the answer he’s always been waiting for. Except this time, he realizes that there are some people who never really end up together. And today, with a heavy heart, he sticks to that resolve.

_If you’re not the one, then you’re not  
Then you’re not…_

 


End file.
